On being asked why, at the age of 93, he still devoted 3 hours a day to practicing, Pablo Casals said “I’m beginning to notice some improvement.”
The New Year always makes me reflective and hopeful. This year I feel like I have more than usual to be happy about. That whole notion that we are “going to hell in a handbasket” does not apply to me! You gotta think: “Is it the world in general, or is it just me?” How you feel about yourself will naturally color your worldview (and vice versa).
I have tried to cultivate an attitude within myself of “becoming”; I am rarely satisfied with myself as is and am constantly looking for whatever will “fix” me. This used to cause me to be unhappy in general, but I’ve learned to be philosophical about it. Rather than seeing it as a negative “lacking something” (as I used to), I have flipped it to a positive “yearning for more.” Why would I want to stop trying to improve myself? My constant banjo work is simply a symptom of my overall quest for self-improvement and has helped me to focus on it.
I believe that this is all because I was not progress oriented as a child and young adult, when we’re supposed to be. Instead of youthful bravado and risk-taking, I suffered from debilitating low confidence and self-esteem; I saw myself as dumb and untalented—so why try? At an age when I should have been maximizing my gains, I was focused on minimizing my losses.
I once wrote on a Junior High math quiz that it “wasn’t worth the effort.” Instead of encouraging me, the “teacher” hauled me up in front of the class and made an embarrassing example of me. This was well before the time of “special education”; I was definitely learning-disabled and could have used some focused assistance. As it was, I carried a 2.0 GPA through 12 years of school. It’s taken a while to find the focus within myself.
I avoided competition (and conflict) at every turn, because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing. My favorite quote was “competition makes losers of all but a few.” The fact that I was able to think at this abstract level should have told me that I was actually quite intelligent. That realization would not come until I was in my 30s though, when I earned a 3.65 GPA in a difficult College music program. I simply had to be interested in things to learn.
My third decade was filled with emotional challenges—the things that are supposed to happen as a teenager—as I tried to wake up and recover from my youthful coma. I told myself that I was “just a late bloomer”; it took a while to see actual evidence of “blooming,” but it has been the guiding theme of the second third of my life. That process can take a long time to realize, and patience is required. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more patient. I love to look back and realize just how far I’ve come since the age of 40! That’s the closest I come to being happy with myself as I am.
I do not fear getting older, because I believe that I will be that much farther along the path to “older but wiser.” I hope to never “arrive,” because that would mean that it’s the end of the journey. Now at age 62, I am “beginning to notice some improvement!” While I hope to always improve my mind, I realize that my years of possible physical improvement as a musician are finite. In the spirit of “use it or lose it,” I am now more determined than ever to try to maximize my squandered potential while I can. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”
Another saying that certainly does not apply to me: “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Um, yes you can… One that does apply to me is “learn something new every day.” Which mantra do you live by?
I share these things because I can’t imagine there is nobody else who feels them. I long to be an inspiration, especially to those who may find clues to their own situation through my story of becoming. It’s never too late to embrace a positive, progressive attitude! Just do it! Eat your vegetables! And practice your scales!