My Inner Improviser

I have spent many years searching for the true meaning of “jazz improvisation,” and in trying to figure out exactly which pre-learned skills are needed to successfully do it. Is it just a gift that you either have or don’t have, or can it be learned? If it’s an exclusive gift, then I apparently don’t have it, or I would just be “letting it happen”—or is it that I simply think too much, and that this habit prevents my inner improviser from coming out to play?

I have had true improvisational moments; those times when it just flows without even thinking about it (especially when playing tenor sax in a jazz combo). But then, I realize that those moments were limited in their potential brilliance by a simple lack of technical ability/strength of my ear. “There’s so much more I could have done there!” Or should I just accept my limitations and let it flow “as is?” As I said, I think too much.

Part of my problem is that I hear so much! If I could simply play the glorious music that I hear, I wouldn’t be writing this, but I can’t (yet…). The kind of things that I hear in my head—and that I admire in others—apparently require a high degree of technical skill (lots of notes). Sometimes I think I have purposely set the bar too high to reach; that way I can relax and not worry about trying to reach it (and possibly failing). Fear of failure certainly kept me from even trying for many years, even though I wanted it badly.

So, this came down to a mid-life crisis decision: #1: Give up (lower my standards/expectations, learn to accept myself as is), or #2: Get on that galloping horse (the march of time) and hold on for dear life. Which one is going to make me feel happy; which one is going to make me feel fulfilled? Laziness is certainly the easy way to happiness, but I can’t help but feel I will just turn into a bitter old man, having been too lazy to realize my potential. I believe that true happiness can only be found by living up to one’s potential.

My hard work has made it possible to imitate improvisation. I have identified the things that good improvisers do, and am learning how to do them. I can now play “lots of notes” on the banjo in a logical and jazzy way. My dedication to scales, arpeggios, and jazzy patterns/licks has made it possible for me to figure out and play the licks that I hear others playing, and increasingly to play what I hear in my head. It is still in the safe setting of conscious thought though; when I try to turn it over to my subconscious, it’s not quite there yet.

I believe I do have an inner improviser! As I said, I’ve met him a few times in life. Sometimes he has brought amazing things out in me, sometimes he has made me feel inadequate to the task. I see no choice but to believe he is there, and that he will eventually trust that the conscious me has developed his skills sufficiently to give him voice. It has become my life’s ambition to do just that. As soon as I can stop thinking so much!

I would be very much interested in your thoughts on this subject. What have you done (or not done) in your quest to “just let it happen?” Have you taken a path, or avoided it?