Most of the time I revel in the things I can do, but sometimes I wallow in the things I can’t do. I go through this process with everything I do in life, but it is in music that I am most keenly aware of it. Can’t is my natural default setting, learned and ingrained very well in childhood; I accept this dark cave as my “home.” Can’t is an ever-present monster with which I must do constant battle.
“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford
It’s not simply a matter of repeating over and over again the mantra “I can”—though I appreciate the well-meant advice and encouragement from others when I’m down and out. Can takes a lot of energy and focus for me to maintain, but of course has certainly proven to be more productive than can’t. When I become aware that can’t has taken over yet again, I know from experience that it will now begin to recede back to it’s dark cave. The same happens on the other end; I’ll suddenly realize that I’m feeling confidant, and that feeling will also begin to recede. It’s a very Zen thing!
My “success” in life has been that my awareness of this roller-coaster ride gives me some control over it. It’s when I can that saying those words makes a real difference (which ironically is when I don’t seem to need encouragement!); I’m increasingly able to prolong the confidence, even when the natural high begins to wear off. “Fake it ‘til you make it” has proven useful to me also; I have chosen to believe that even at my worst, I still have something valuable to contribute, whether I believe it deep-down or not. I have also found that I actually look forward to bottoming out, because then I know I’ve gotten the inevitable out of the way, and I’m now on my way up!
I know that with age, can’t may re-tighten its grip on me; this realization gives me incentive to figure out the mechanics of it while I still can—and possibly even somehow circumvent it. This is why I’ve been so obsessed with accomplishment throughout my 50’s; “I’ve got to get ‘er done while I still can!” I’m also hoping the new success habit continues to gain strength (which it has so far).
The germ of this coping mechanism began in my late 20’s; I was at a banjo show (in the audience of course, since I wasn’t brave enough to be on stage myself) and realized that the only difference between me and the performers was that I was too shy to do it. I became obsessed then and there with becoming a soloist.
A few years later I had a gig at Phillips Crab House in Ocean City, MD. Every evening as I walked the two blocks to work, the can’t monster would do it’s darnedest to make me turn around; through sheer determination I was able to push it aside, step in the door, take a deep breath, and dive in. Once I got started, I was fine (because I sincerely do love making people happy) but getting to that point was a daily battle. I still have an occasional monster confrontation before going on stage, but I keep getting stronger and stronger!
I have learned that there is a big difference between “I can’t—I’m incapable of it,” and “I can’t—but I could learn.” For example, try as I might, being an NFL linebacker or a ballerina is out of the question. But figuring something out on the banjo—something I can’t currently do—is certainly within the realm of possibility for me. As a kid, I would sit on the sideline and lament “oh I wish I could do that”; as an adult I’ve learned to say “of course I can do that! Just give me a little time and I’ll show you!”
Of course, one must recognize what one can’t do in order to identify the path forward. The trick is to turn the can’t into a can before I become bogged down on the negative side. I have found that I must take periodic inventory of my progress, lest I forget; for example, “okay, a year ago I couldn’t do this thing, but now I can. Therefore, I have learned and can now move it onto the positive list.” Conversely, when I run into a thing that I eventually have to concede that I am incapable of, I must place it in the truly-incapable pile before it drags me down.
Oh, what I’d give for a can default setting, or at least a “blissful ignorance” of the process!